That dude with that problem
by CSENTIMENTAL VALYOU
Summary: It's a story. About Ishida. Using the Bleach universe. It uses crude humor. 'Nuff said. Please Read and Review, flames welcome


Author's Note: So one day after coming home, this idea just happend to pop up after watching "Sessler Cell" on X-play's podcast. If you enjoy the story, great review it and let me know what you think. If you hate it, go read something else. It's just that simple

Diclaimer: I do not own Bleach, nor am I Bleach's creato Tite Kubo. Any other companies and people listed here are for story purposes only, and nor do I own them. Hell, I don't even the PC I'm writing this own.

It was just another morning. Dull, boring morning. Another morning of eggs and miso soup. Or so he thought.

Ishida Uryu had a problem, a large problem at that. He only knew it would go away soon, it only happened in the morning. He slammed the snooze button on his alarm clock. He hated that sound, even though it was monotonous, like him. _BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP _smack He accidentally knocked over his pencil cup, which he had so carefully (and analy) put together. He pulled off the sheets slowly, and tried to pick up the pencils, but his problem only caused more problems. Mumbling, Ishida stepped over to the shower, wanting the warm water to wake him up. He stripped of his clothes and wrapped a spare towel around him, and walked to the bathroom. All he could think about, instead of the history test (which was odd for the straight-A student), he could only focus on the problem. He knitted his eyebrows angrily, because this was one problem he couldn't solve. He stepped into the bathroom, not looking at the problem in the mirror as he took off his towel. Ishida slowing worked the handle counter-clockwise until the warm water sprang to life, splishing and splashing on the floor. He just barely saw his rectangle-glasses lying where he had put them last night, with the mist already forming around the lenses. Ishida stepped into the shower, letting the water run over him. He lazily ran the shampoo through his hair, toying with it every step of the way. He liked to put it an emo-ish hair, spiking it, making a "V" it, and finally perfectly shaping his hair into a Mohawk so that any punker would be glad to call Ishida his mate. He still his problem again. Still there, and not even going away. Damn, he thought to himself, what the hell happened to me while I was asleep? He turned the handle clockwise until it tightly, until the water changed from a torrent to a trickle of water. It was still there. Ishida, slipped on his glasses, and threw on his towel. Slipping on his slippers, he treaded back to his room. He tried to look away from it, but it was hard to not notice it. He was a teenager, but he never had something like this. Glad, that his parents weren't home, Ishida closed the door quickly. Slamming open his closet, thumbing past his various Quincy outfits, unfinished dresses, half-stitched shirts, and stopped at his uniforms. He threw on his pants and a shirt, but didn't feel like putting on the grey jacket. He gathered his belongings in his messenger bag.

_People usually don't know about Ishida's bag, because quite frankly, nobody cares. However for the use of a filler paragraph and to waste your precious time, the author will now bore you with the details. Ishida's bag has a lot of compartments, 15 compartments to be precise. Many people see 15 compartments full of shit, that could be used to make houses, and frankly he probably has enough crap in there to build a working Nuclear reactor. He has his sewing equipment, of course full of needles, threads, and frilly rilly stuffs. Also he carries a copy of the Anarchist's cookbook; his grandfather always told him to be resourceful, so what better thing in your bag to have a book on how to make Molotov cocktails. Also many people don't know this, but Ishida has recently taken a likening to "Naruto," especially Sakura. There was something about pink hair that drove Ishida like a mad dog, even though he seems to dislike it like everything else. Of course a spare Quincy outfit, that was unstitched that had to be stitched together whenever a battle came up. In fact, Ishida hadn't killed a hollow because of this; he ran into an alley, pulled out his sewing kit, and rapidly stitched back together. Granted, it looked like a piece of shit and Ichigo and Rukia got to the hollow first anyways. And last but not least, Ishida liked sardines. Liked 'em a lot. Like Popeye loves spinach, Ishida loves sardines. Exactly 7 of his secret compartments were filled with extremely wafer-thin packs of sardines. Other things that filled his bag were country music, a towel, a old grey, black and whit game boy, a phone that needed recharging, the finished copy of "Soldaten," a hand warmer, and a little snow globe. Oh yeah, there was the usual school stuff in there too._

Ishida slung his messenger bag on his shoulder, and sauntered out the door. It was 7:30 in the morning and class didn't start until 8:30, he had plenty of time. Maybe his problem would disappear during the walk, at least he hoped. The morning was kind of muggy and instantly Ishida started to feel the sweat on his shirt. Ishida groaned, being sweaty sucked, and being smelly as well as sweaty, that sucked harder than that chick at the love hotel downtown. As he walked he pulled out his copy of _Les Mesriables_ and started to read, trying to get his mind of the problem. But the more he tried to read, the more he focused on the thing he didn't want to focus on. Still on his block, a young woman was doing her early morning shopping with her child. They child was quite loud for this early in the morning, Ishida only pushed up his glasses. Then the loud kid looked at Uryu and tugged at his mother's coat saying "Mommy is that man sick?"

"Yes, dear." She said quite bored, but then she looked back at Uryu and continued with much more enthusiasm "He really is sick. Yes, he is." The two walked by Ishida without saying another word, but the woman decided to give Uryu and loud smack of her hand on his behind. Uryu turned around immediately, with a "what the fuck is wrong with you woman!" look on his face. She looked at him like a horny school girl giving him the "call me" hand waving it. Ishida looked away, from her blushing from ear to ear, against his better judgment. He felt inside his back pocket and found a note with the woman's phone number on it. Here he was, a 16 year old High Student, with a 20-something year old mother giving him a slap on his ass. Ishida pushed up his glasses as he walked away, his behind still sore from the slap.

"HOLY FUCKING SON OF BITCH FROM OSAKA!"

Ishida knew who that was right from the moment the decibels hit his ears. That voice was Keigo Asano. The worst day of his life had officially begun.

"Holy Shit! Ishida what the hell are you taking or is that natural!"

"I…" Ishida pushed up his glasses "don't know what you're talking about."

"Yeah, you do. You've toting a fucking huge boner, man!" Ishida's face grew from an irritated face to "I will kill you and all your ancestors' even if their dead" look. Ishida knew he had a boner. He woke up with it this morning, he got slapped on his ass by a 20 something mother, and now Keigo was going to play town crier and announce to the world.

"Hey Keigo! Cut the crap, it's too damn early for it!" Ishida was finally relieved from Keigo. Ichigo and Rukia were both only a few meters away.

"Thank you Kurosaki for saving me…"

"Wow dude," Ichigo whistled "put that away before you thank me. I don't swing that way." Ichigo then pointed at the boner which was quite noticeable, and still hadn't changed since the morning.

"I'm sorry Kurosaki and Miss Kuchiki, but…I've had this problem since this morning…"

"This morning?" Keigo but in "Were you doing something naughty last night weren't you. Admit it! Admit it! You probably were doing it with Inoue, the great bosomed goddess! You were! You were! You…"KERSLAP!

"I was doing what with whom, Keigo?" Keigo turned around finding the angry face, fiery-eyed, slap-wielding Orihime Inoue. He probably would've had a look of fear on his face if he wasn't staring at her large breasts.

"Um, well you see." Keigo pointed down to Ishida's pants.

"That quite a huge bulge Ishida, are you storing your sewing stuffs down there?" Ishida was a lot for words. It seemed everyone to notice his abnormally large, stubborn, did I mention large boner. Keigo couldn't keep his mouth shut, Orihime, for being one of the smartest in the class, was acting like an imbecile, and Kurosaki thought he was gay. Ishida sighed; at least there was Rukia to talk to.

"So Rukia…"

"Don't think about it abnormally-large-can't control his hormones boner Ishida." This was the last straw and Ishida couldn't take it anymore. Storming off from the crowd, he shoved his past some poor saps to change his shoes. On his way there lots of whisperings and lots of "did'ya see that?" or "Holy crap, I wish I had one of those" or "I'd wish he bangs me, my sex life sucks." Every time he heard someone talk about his "problem" he only pushed up his glasses as a way to shield himself from pretty much everyone else. Carrying his bag up front as to avoid unnecessary attention, he trudged up the stairs. But everywhere he turned he saw people pointing at him. Ishida sighed as he thought "It's only a body part? Hasn't everybody seen something like this before?" He found his homeroom class, and sat down without looking down. Tatsuki, who was inside early because she had an early morning workout with her karate team, was standing near the window gazing outside when she spotted Ishida.

"Hey Ishida! Why aren't you outside with the others?"

"I should be asking you the same question."

"If you have to be that way, I had an early morning workout. Why don't we go outside to talk to them?"

"Nonononononononono." Ishida stammered "IIIIII think I'm fine here."

"C'mon, you loser. Let's go outside." She waved her hand at Ishida for him to come forward. Uryu sat rooted to his chair, because he remembered how Tatsuki threw desks at Ichigo (or Kon) just because a little kiss on the hand. He could imagine the horrible things Tatsuki would do to him. His head raced from thoughts of her going "Yakuza" on him and tossing through a window or maybe she had a rocket launcher under her skirt and would pull it out, Fuffmofu style, if she saw his problem. Finally Tatsuki walked over to his desk, saying "Get off your ass loser." Uryu started to sweat bullets with every step she took. Finally he took a deep breath, and stood up barely whispering the words.

"Forgive me."

Tatsuki gave him a quizzical look as she said "Look, what is…your…problem." She stopped dead in her tracks, eyeing Ishida's problem. Uryu started the gunslinger stare at her, and she did the same. Two gunmen, one with an extremely large problem, and one who probably wanted to rip it off. After a standoff lasting seconds, Tatsuki leapt forward, malice glowing in her eyes. Ishida knew what was coming: Ichigo and crew would be at his funeral, mourning him. Rukia and Orihime crying, while Ichigo was saying what such a great Quincy and friend Ishida was. But in the pews, Keigo shouted "BONER BOY! BONER BOY! BONER BOY..."

Ishida woke up from his reverie now finding Tatsuki only centimeters away from his body. Ishida now praying dearly for his life as Tatsuki's hands grabbed him and threw him into the wall, shattering it. As Ishida floated through the air, he saw his life flash before him, seeing his tormentor, ripping his shirt off?

"What the fuc…" Ishida whispered as Tatsuki started undoing his pants too.

The two landed on the ground with a tremendous "THUD!" Dust covering them, he could barely see Tatsuki ripping her shirt off too, but he too dazed from the impact to even do anything about it. When the dust cleared, one of the teachers came rushing to the two seeing if they were hurt.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO!" was all she could say. Tatsuki only offered a huge grin from a half naked girl only wearing a bra and a skirt.

"Help me…please…" Uryu whispered realizing that he barely had a shirt anymore, much less pants.

Uryu, finally free of Tasuki, wore only was pants as he went to the handicrafts club to fix his shirt as well as Tatuki's shirt too. Tatsuki got off without being burned; apparently the excuse "I get extremely horny before my period." works with teachers. Uryu however was sentenced to a week long detention next week and fixing his as well as Tatsuki's clothing.

DING DONG DING DONG_ ding_

Uryu sighed, that was the lunch bell. Now swaths of people would come racing to see the problem, to take pictures of it, and make videos and plaster them all over Instead Ichigo, Chad, Mizuro, and Keigo came to visit him.

"Hey boner boy," Ichigo said in his usual voice "we brought you some curry bread and a juice."

"Thank you Kurosaki just set it down there." Ichigo and the other guys took seats around Ishida.

"So," started Keigo "what's the deal with you at that huge boner." He wanted to continue but the swaths of the adoring fans of Ishida's boner. Chad immediately got up from his chair and started to pile desk on top of desk on top of desk in front of the door.

"I don't like noise."

"Thanks bro," thanked Ichigo "we don't either."

"Ishida?" asked Mizuro "do you know how you got that?"

"No idea."

"Well, what do you do in the night?"

"I don't masturbate to hentai, if that's what you were going to ask me."

Ok, so you don't look at porn. What else do you do?"

"I take my vitamins and go to bed."

"Wait," Ichigo interrupted "you take vitamins at night? I thought you were smart Ishida! You're supposed to take them in the morning."

"Well I take them at night Kurosaki! I believe can work better in the morning if I take vitamins at night."

"Well what do you take?

"Usually multi-vitamins. But last night I might've taken something else, because there were some purple pills out."

"Oh shit." Ichigo slapped his forehead "you took Viagra didn't you!"

"That's what it was?"

"Holy Buddha! Dude if someone left medicinal Marijuana in your bathroom, you'd probably take it!"

"That's really bad Ishida," Mizuro put in "that's for people who can't get boners like your dad. They aren't meant for you; you cold have a boner lasting a while."

"So, he could have a boner for a week?" Keigo joked "Dude, I feel sorry for Tatsuki if she attacked you again."

"Shut up Keigo!" Ishida shouted.

"Alright Ishida, so you could just go get it fixed at the penis doctor, couldn't you?

"Nah, they might cut it off or some thing."

"Cut…it…off?" Ishida said losing color with every word he said.

"Don't say shit like that Keigo! Why don't we go to Hat-and-Clogs, he might have something for that."

"Oh…okay. Let's go."

"Hey, Chad could you bust open this wall?"

"That's school property Ichigo!"

"Hey if Tatsuki can do it why can't we? Besides you do want to get rid of that don't you?" Ishida looked at Kurosaki for a while; he was truly a friend, even if he did make fun of his boner.

"Stand back." muttered Chad. Chad readied his fist and punched the wall. Nothing happened.

"What the hell Chad? I thought you break through walls?" roared Ichigo. Chad gritted his teeth and shook his head.

"I can't break school property."

"SON OF A BITCH!" Ichigo yelled. But then something happened. Maybe some black hole opened up, maybe the writer suddenly got high or listened to Pink Floyd again, no one knows.

"Never fear! Metal Mizuro is here!"


End file.
